i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
