Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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