I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Come on in and take your pants off
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
