my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
