my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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