I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
