Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
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