I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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