is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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