I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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