Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
