Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
