You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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