New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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