She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize