Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
