this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
