I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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