Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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