I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
