So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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