She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
