I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
