something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
