I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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