is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
