so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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