if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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