maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
