I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
