Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
