I am midnight drunk by noon
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
