She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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