i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
