Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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