I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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