I only kidnapped one of them. chill
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
