Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize