based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
