A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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