he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
FUCK WHALES
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