Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
