the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
