So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
