So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
