if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
