Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
