how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My liver just had a heart attack.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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