I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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