Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
