I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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