i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
