Someone shit on the floor
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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