i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
