Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
