Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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