Please don't use social media to get back at me.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize