Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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