something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
