im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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