Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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