WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
